I wrote a post a while back about gold-diggers, asking whether it is wrong for successful women to want men with ambition and financial stability. My single friends have good careers, nice places to live, and travel money, but they become frustrated when men expect them to pay, plan getaways, or provide support. They want motivation, not a provider. They are not asking a man to carry them through life. They simply want someone who is moving forward beside them.

These women are not looking for men to provide for them. They want ambition, or at least motivation to improve their situations. They often become “fixers” of their men, and it doesn’t really work out. Lots of men complained that I support gold-digging women, but this completely misses the point. Most women want connection and success in their own right, not to be taken care of. A relationship should not turn into a rehabilitation project.

The men who wrote me interpreted a woman’s desire for financial stability as wanting to take everything away from him. I feel badly if they have been taken advantage of, betrayed, or duped. But it is not fair to categorize all potential dates as “out to get something” based on a few bad experiences. Dating goes bad when people become cynical and expect the worst from each other. One bad relationship can make anyone suspicious, but suspicion should not become a permanent dating strategy.

I’m an optimist at heart. I tend to think people mostly have good intentions, make mistakes, and misunderstand one another. So for those who believe love doesn’t exist, take heart: people will continue to surprise you and prove you wrong. We aren’t perfect creatures, but most of us are trying to do better. Give your dates a real chance. You may not find the perfect person immediately, but patience can reveal qualities that first impressions miss.